The Shy Child

What can you do when you have a shy child? Many children do grow out of their shyness, or it may just come in stages that pass. Your child may be shy only in certain situations and be fine in others... that is absolutely normal!

But what about the child who does not grow out of it? What are you supposed to do as a parent? How can you help them chose to take those first steps of overcoming shyness?

I do believe that this is something that a child comes by naturally! The key you need to remember is that, you, as a parent can either perpetuate the shyness or encourage your child to try new things.

I've done this before! You know...you're in a situation where your child won't talk to someone they aren't comfortable with. This person may ask them a question and they don't answer. Your first response is to answer for them and explain that they are shy.

Now when I'm a situation like this I just shove my foot in my mouth! If your child hears you telling others that they are "shy", they will begin to internalize it. They may start to feel as if it's something they cannot do anything about.

When you label a child; it becomes part of who they are! They believe it with all their heart and mind. Why? Because Mom, Dad, or some other adult they respect has said it. This is what they say to themselves: "Well Mommy said I am shy... I guess I am. This may become a personal belief for them, "I am shy".

Children don't understand the world and they turn to you as the parent to help them. They really do listen to you! But just like the rest of us, the bad is internalized very quickly!

The Shy Child, Tip # 2: Don't Push

Have you even seem someone try to lead a Mule that didn't want to move? No matter how hard a person pulls, there is no way that mule is going to move unless he wants to! To understand the concept of not pushing; it may help if you relate your child's behavior to the mule.

Pushing your child to do something they are not willing to try only brings up resistance. Unless it's truly something they want; there is no way it will be a good experience. The more a parent pushes the more resistance and/or fear will come up for your child.

Be gentle when encouraging. It is very important that your child has the desire. Be patient and loving.

The Shy Child, Tip # 3: Praise them!

For ANY positive behavior you want to encourage; praise is the key ingredient. Find anything small thing to praise them for. Whether it may be!

Start small and build from there. You can praise your child for saying hello to someone, smiling at another child at the park, or answering a question that someone asks them. This will begin to build their confidence in baby steps. Praise is the answer that will help your child want to try!

The Shy Child, Tip # 4: Be Accepting, not Enabling

This is a fine line. By fine line I mean that you do need to be accepting of your child, but enabling shyness should not be any part of that.

Shy children are very smart! They know how to get their way when they do not want to do something. Believe it or not; your child may cry because that is what has gotten them the results they wanted before.

Maybe you have enrolled your child in some sort of social activity before. Like dance, swim, or even just taken them to a birthday part. What happens? Does your child stay; or cry until Mom or Dad can't stand it anymore and take them home?

What happens if you always come to the rescue? Answer: they will never learn how to take car of themselves. They will always wait for mom and dad to rescue them. What about slumber parties? What kind of fun will your child miss out on due to shyness; especially if you enable them?

I am not advocating that you let your child cry all the time. But sometimes tears are necessary for growth. Think about your own life. Didn't you grow the most when you had an experience that made you cry?

Start small. Do play dates with Moms that have children about the same age; or other activities that you can be present for. You can slowly work up to the sort of activities where you are not there. Be patient and CONSISTENT.

The Shy Child, Tip # 5: Shyness is Natural

Some studies actually show that children can come by shyness through genetics! It may be inherently hard for them to be outgoing, or even conversational. I know that I was as a child.

But having a natural tendency towards shyness only means that you as a parent need to be that much more vigilant. Be consistent and encourage them to try new things.

Just remember these 4 guidelines:

1. Don't Label Your Child as "Shy"
2. Don't Push
3. Praise them!
4. Be Accepting, not Enabling

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